Avoidance- And Getting Beyond It

Hey Mummis,

Have you ever noticed this pattern?

You set a goal that truly matters to you. You want the outcome. You understand why it’s important. And yet… you don’t complete the task.

Instead, you clean, scroll, reorganize, plan, think, wait, or “get ready.” Days or weeks pass, and the task you know would move your life forward remains untouched.

This isn’t laziness. It isn’t a lack of discipline. And it isn’t a personal flaw.

Avoidance is usually a protective response.

What avoidance really is

Avoidance happens when the nervous system interprets a task as threatening, even if the threat isn’t physical.

Your brain isn’t asking, “Do I want this outcome?” It’s asking, “What will this cost me emotionally?”

When a goal carries risk, exposure, identity change, or uncertainty, your system may prioritize short-term safety over long-term progress. Avoidance reduces discomfort now, even when it creates more stress later.

Why we avoid goals we actually care about

Avoidance shows up most often around meaningful goals.

Here are the most common reasons.

1. The goal threatens our identity.
Some tasks carry more than action steps. They carry meaning.

They ask: What if I fail? What if I succeed and my life changes? What if this proves I’m not who I thought I was?

When a goal feels tied to self-worth or competence, starting can feel like exposure. Avoidance protects us from shame, self-doubt, or challenging old stories about ourselves.

2. Uncertainty feels unsafe.
The brain prefers predictable discomfort over uncertain outcomes. Difficult goals involve unknown effort, results, and emotional impact. Even positive uncertainty can register as risk.

A Taylor Swift lyric captures this well: “Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again.”

Moving from the idea of change into actual change can feel scary, but that is also where growth happens.

3. The goal carries emotional weight.
Many goals hold more than work. They may also contain hope, pressure, responsibility, or finality. When effort is mixed with emotion, the system may resist not the task, but the state the task creates.

4. Perfectionism creates a freeze response.
If starting feels like committing to doing it “right,” the safest option can feel like not starting at all. This isn’t procrastination. It’s a threat response.

5. Avoidance is reinforced because it works (briefly).
When we avoid, anxiety drops and pressure eases. The nervous system settles. The brain learns: This helps.

Even though the relief is temporary, it’s enough to reinforce the pattern.

The most important reframe

Avoidance is not resistance to the goal. It is resistance to the emotional state, the identity shift, the uncertainty, or the perceived finality.

Once you see that, the solution is no longer “try harder.”

It becomes: reduce threat, increase safety, and create clarity.

How to move through avoidance

Here are practical ways to work with your system instead of fighting it.

1. Shrink the task emotionally.
Instead of asking, “Can I do this?” ask, “What is the smallest version of this that still counts as movement?”

Movement reduces fear more effectively than motivation.

2. Separate action from perfection.
Starting does not require certainty or a flawless plan. Treat action as data collection and assess as you go.

3. Name what the task represents.
Ask yourself: What does this make real? What might it change? Avoidance often softens once the real fear is named.

4. Use structure to contain effort.
Open-ended effort increases resistance. Bound your action with a clear scope, a time limit, and a reassessment point. Structure creates safety.

5. Aim before you act.
Before investing energy, ask, “What am I actually trying to move?” This shifts you from reactive effort to directed effort.

A final note

Avoidance does not mean you are weak. It usually means you are deeply invested. The work is not to eliminate fear.

The work is to move forward in its presence.

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear.” — M. Scott Peck

If you’re struggling with avoidance, don’t be discouraged. It happens to all of us. Review the ideas above and notice which one feels true in your body. Work gently with that place until you begin to feel unstuck.

If you need additional support, our coaching options and free community are available.

I believe in you,
Sam